If you have a thing for men with beards, you’ve probably seen all the problems that come attached with it. The grooming takes hours, the “beard talk” with “the boys” is obnoxious and you can just sense every other female in the bar ogling at his beard. Back off, he’s mine! This is when the dilemma sets in: your boyfriend looks like a 3-year-old version of himself sans beard, but the beard is giving you a beard of rashes and cuts. Unfortunately, this isn’t even the only problem women face while dating a mustachioed man. Let’s talk about a few of the problems women face while dating Hagrid! Okay, not the best example. Think more along the lines of Jason Momoa.
1. Kiss me from a distance, please
The passionate kisses now feel like a million copper wires stabbing your face. Now, cutting onions and kissing both make you cry. When did I sign up for this?When he finally notices you just puckering your lips as far away from your face as possible so as to avoid a cut, and asks you what’s wrong, the hatred for his beard comes flowing out. But then again, it does make him look good. Which makes you want to kiss him more, hence the cycle continues. Why can’t good things happen to good people?
2. Your skincare routine is now useless
You already know what the rashes/cuts mean for your skin. More of those nasty zits you thought you’d left behind the minute you turned 20. They’re supposed to stop once your teens are over, right?!Cleanse, deep scrub, tone, serum, moisturize, sunscreen, it all counts for nothing once his beard gives you a pimple mid-missionary wink. The next day, you wake up to find a mean old sex zit staring back at you, mocking you while you start the skincare routine all over again.
3. “You didn’t even notice I got my beard shaped”
Oh yeah, like you noticed when I got a perm, a mani, and a pedi done?Getting his beard trimmed/shaped is the biggest news of the day for him. And he acts like a manchild if you don’t make a big deal about it. Calm down, sir, you don’t notice when the furniture around the house is moved. Don’t blame me when I couldn’t spot that you changed the position of that one hair in your beard 30 degrees to the right.
4. The disgusting storage space that is his beard
Walking around the mall, feeling hungry? Ask your heavily bearded boyfriend for some food. He probably has some stashed away in his beard somewhere.Of all the mysteries of the world that can’t be explained, like the Loch Ness monster, black holes, Stonehenge, the curious case of food ALWAYS being in your boyfriend’s beard is the most inexplicable. And you wonder why you get pimples from his beard. You don’t need to get it shaped sir, get it cleaned with industry strength sanitizers.
5. The crime scene that is your sink
And you thought the mess you left clogging your shower was bad. The tiny hairs he leaves behind in the sink almost every day are impossible to clean, and that’s not an exaggeration. If he cuts himself while shaving, he better clean it afterward or he’ll get the tiny hairs he just left around for lunch later.
6. Oral sex? No thanks, I already got my period
Yeah, we’re not even going to get into this one. You know what you’re going through. You’re already suffering too much. R.I.P your oral sex life. He’s smart, caring, loving, affectionate, and he looks incredible with that beard. But oh god, the rashes just don’t seem to stop. Plus, the way he strokes it to look smart. You don’t look smart, I know there’s nothing going on in your mind and you’re just trying to make it seem like you’re deep in thought. All in all, it does make him look good. And he looks like your toddler nephew without it, so might as well keep it on.
