I live in a bustling Mumbai suburb with Girish and Vihana, our 9-year-old daughter. Girish and I were introduced through a marriage bureau. Vihana was born 10 months after our wedding. My husband is a doting father and a very caring spouse. He’s a very pragmatic man and an equal partner. He is a hopeless romantic with a large and giving heart. He’s my anchor and I turn to him for everything. Who would complain about such a life? No one, I should think. (As told to Eleena Sanyal) Names changed to protect identities
A marriage without spark
Girish’s job soon required him to travel a lot. He missed being home though, and upon his return he was often too jet-lagged and tired to really give us quality time before darting off again. Rushed sex when he got back seemed more like a forced errand. It was poor compensation for the agonisingly lonely nights we spent oceans apart. It began to lack the spark that had kept our love alive for years. It was probably this vacuum that made me crave for someone special subconsciously. And I never had the time to consider if I had decided to marry Girish on the rebound. With marriage, a baby much too soon and the stresses of urban life, I had never viewed the circumstances of our union in retrospect. Until that ill-fated day that marked the beginning of the end of my sanity and the beginning of an extramarital affair with my ex boyfriend.
I bumped into my ex
Upon his insistence, I went to the airport to drop him off when he was going to the US. After dropping off Girish, I saw a man stepping out of an auto-rickshaw that I had flagged down. Our eyes met and I felt a punch in the pit of my stomach. It was Nitin! His eyes didn’t leave mine as we both stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity. He broke the silence by asking me if I had an umbrella. We both knew it was a pointless question. With immense strain trying to sound casual, I pointed to a nearby cafe and asked him unabashedly if he was okay for a cuppa. His complaisance stirred up something lying dormant inside me. We sat down and I wrapped up my last decade for him while the coffee was still steaming hot. I was desperate to know where life had taken him.
It was a torrid romance
Nitin and I had met at a wedding a year before Girish came along. We had hit it off instantly. It was a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend. After a torrid romance lasting half a year, I had popped the question. His calm and collected reply had seemed planned and clear. He needed more time. I felt used and discarded. His silence over the next few days was devastating. Later, I didn’t return his calls and eventually blocked his number. Six months later Girish entered my life, oblivious to my history, and married me without any questions.
We picked up where we left off
Nitin did not as much as flinch, mentioning his pregnant wife Priya among other things. The image of another woman in his life now was a throwback to our relationship which never saw the light of day. I accused him of having left me in the lurch. He claimed he had made no promises. All the while, I felt an inexorable pull towards him. I gathered my wits and apologised for my mercurial behaviour and proposed that we meet again after his office ended the following day. I didn’t know then my affair with my ex had begun.
My extramarital affair with my ex boyfriend became passionate
One meeting lead to another. The lapse of years vanished as we picked up the threads of our shared past over steamy afternoons and nights of unabated passion. Nitin unleashed visceral waves of excitement that I had long forgotten. He made me melt as I gave in to him. He ignited in me what Girish never could have, even if he tried. The extramarital affair with my ex boyfriend felt like the best thing to happen to me in ages.
I don’t know how this will end
As we lay spent between the sheets, I stroked his sleeping head and said ‘I love you’. He opened his eyes and smiled but didn’t respond. Existential questions about the cascading effect of these concatenated moments hit me hard. I wondered if Nitin might just be a transit passenger in my life’s airport while Girish is the plane that will always take me safely home. Only time will tell how long we will continue to live these lies. I also felt guilty about my affair with my ex boyfriend because his wife Priya was also being duped. I have never asked Nitin about his wife or the baby he is expecting and he never talks about them either. Sometimes I find it surprising how nonchalant he is about them and makes love to me like there is no tomorrow. But wasn’t he like this always? Wasn’t he a selfish boyfriend, uncaring about my feelings, disinterested to have a life together. Affairs have consequences. We will have to face it I know. There are times you know all the cons of a situation but still you want it. That is what passion does to you.
