Well, yes, he is supposed to be aware of his behavior. But due to the complexity that human nature has, especially when it comes to communication and connections, things might get a bit tangled up. This is why it is ok to tell a guy he hurt you. In fact, it is a healthy way of going about relationships. If he seems to have missed it, you should tell him that he hurt your feelings. Otherwise, you’ll make room for resentment and anger to build. Those are often the common traits to make relationships die out eventually. So, what exactly are you supposed to say when he has hurt you? Do we go around and around, or do we get straight and forward with it? There’s a right way to express hurt feelings in words, and that’s exactly what you’ll learn here! Before we get into the text examples, let’s have a look at some basics first. Here’s the healthiest way to tell him he hurt your feelings:
1. Take your time until you think objectively of the situation
When you’re under stress and under the influence of intense emotions, the quality of your thoughts may not be in its best shape. That’s why taking some time to calm down instead of saying things in the heat of the moment can be effective to make rational choices. So, take your time as long as it takes you to calm down and notice yourself to be thinking clearly and not highly affected by the intensity of feelings and emotions you might be experiencing. This will allow you to have a pragmatic approach to the situation.
You give yourself a chance to realize where the hurt is coming from and whether it is something internal (e.g. past trauma) or if he really said/did something hurtful.
We tend to find confirmation within mean words or even phrases that are not intended for us, especially if we have difficulties with self-esteem. This time will allow you to think it through whether it is you falling into the false belief that “I’m not worth it” or is it truly something that hurt you directly.
Another thing to help with this reflection can be writing everything you feel at the moment, leaving it to rest, and checking it out later to delete it.
It can also be helpful if you have a friend to whom you can vent about it. This way you get to hear yourself and relieve yourself from the emotional burden you’re feeling at the moment.
2. Avoid manipulation tactics: avoid shaming and blaming
After you’re done with reflection it’ll be time to address the issue with him. You’ll let him know he hurt you. While doing so you have to be mindful of your tone, your mindset to it, and the tone of your message.
Keep it honest and genuine. Avoid using phrases such as “You were trying to” or “You did on purpose.”
This way you create a safe space that allows open, calm, and honest communication between the two of you. If he already knows that he hurt you, you want to address the situation calmly and manipulation-free. You want to give him a real representation of how his actions/words made you feel without assuming or accusing him of things you’re not sure of. Having an accusing approach to your message is likely to turn the conversation into a fight. And in this case, you want to communicate openly with him. Let him know that he hurt you, and make him aware of your feelings with a sense of partnership and genuinity.
3. Approach it as a way to solve the issue, not start another fight
Starting another fight in such situations can be done by accusing him, shaming, blaming, or even berating him that he hurt you. We don’t want to start another fight, we want to solve this through and point out a particular behavior that’s hurtful to you. Hurt or unpleasant feelings are inevitable when it comes to relationships. Yes, any relationship.
We might say things we don’t mean to one another. Or we might do something that, without us knowing, hurts our partner.
That’s why, gentle, open, and clear communication is tremendously helpful when it comes to solving or even preventing such troubles. Have a calm approach, with an open mind to his understanding and perception of this situation. Keep in mind that you want to make him aware that his actions/words were hurtful, you don’t want to shame and berate him about it. Romantic relationships can get a bit complicated, especially if there’s a lack of communication expressed verbally.You might hurt each other without knowing you’re doing so. You might have a hard time understanding what you want and need from each other.In such cases, a therapist can do wonders. A relationship hero isn’t far from your reach!
4. Let him know how much he means to you
When addressing such a situation, it can be difficult not to sound accusing or mad about it. That’s why it’s very preferable to start off with words of gratitude.
Letting him know how much he and his presence mean to you is more likely to lead to a peaceful argument and communication about the situation.
An example of how you could do that is a line such as “You mean the world to be, but […]” Essentially, you’re letting him know that you still love him, but that he did something to hurt your feelings. This way you keep an open path to genuine communication by letting him know you’re not mad, you’re hurt.
5. Explain what hurt you, why it did, and how you feel about it
This is yet another very important part when it comes to telling a man he hurt you. You want to be clear with your message, whether you’re texting it to him, or saying it to him in person. An example of that could be “You mean the world to me, but yesterday you said some things that hurt me a lot. It hurt because it’s been a while since I’ve been dealing with those issues, and I’m trying to improve. I know you didn’t have bad intentions, however, your words hurt. I’d never like to argue like that again with you.” Explaining to him what it is that hurt you, instead of being very brief and expecting him to understand the entire situation will leave you feeling hurt even more. So, explain exactly what it is that he said or did. If he said something like “I’m not cleaning up the dishes for you.” You could tell that line exactly, and let him know that that line and which part of it hurt you.
6. Let him know how you’d feel loved and appreciated
While addressing an issue in a conversation, it would be nice to have a solution by the end of it. In this case, you can make it lighter for him to improve if you guide him to what would help you feel better, or what he could do to avoid hurting you again.
If he said something that hurt you, you can ask him to be careful with his words because you’re sensitive in that particular direction.
Or if he did something in particular and you didn’t experience it well, you can tell him what he could do next time in a similar situation. Of course, you do this in the kindest way you can. You have to present it as a solution instead of a demand or ultimatum. Toxic relationships have tendencies of ultimatums and demands. In the healthy realm of this, we solve it with understanding and openness.
7. Get yourself ready for his response
Try to approach your expectations pragmatically, be open and get yourself ready for his response. Setting realistic expectations will help you settle a healthier base for your emotional and psychological state.
He might respond positively, he might lie, he might get angry, and at the end of the day, think of it as much as you want, you can’t predict his behavior.
That’s why you shouldn’t set expectations. Instead, get yourself ready for any reaction instead of one in particular. Do not plan anything as a response to his ‘possible reaction’. Simply, have yourself prepared for any response you might get from your expression.
If you notice the debate getting heated again, call for a break. It’s as simple as “I don’t think we’re solving anything right now. Let’s take some time to think and calm down, please.”
Text examples on how to tell him he hurt you – 10 super messages!
Now that the theoretical part of how to tell a guy he hurt you is tackled, it’s time to get into the practice details. To put it simply, we’re going to see text examples of how exactly you write a text or letter to your boyfriend or partner to express your hurt feelings. Of course, it’s no easy way to do it, but you’ll get the hang of it once you understand the core of it. Here are 10 text examples of how to tell him he hurt you:
- “Today I felt very hurt by the things you said. I know you didn’t mean to be insensitive, but I wouldn’t like to have such conversations again.”
- “Can we talk about yesterday?” After you finally agree to talk about it you can follow with “Yesterday’s debate felt very unpleasant to the point that it hurt me. I love you, and you mean the world to me, but I didn’t feel loved or appreciated yesterday on your part.”
- “I felt a bit alone last night. You seemed to be angry for some reason, and it hurt that you didn’t talk it out with me. Can we talk about this?”
- “You’re very precious to me and you make me feel the same every single day. Except for yesterday… Yesterday I felt hurt by your behavior. What was that?”
- “I appreciate every single thing you do for me and my joy. But yesterday I felt disrespected. I know your intentions weren’t mean, but I felt hurt. We can do it differently next time since I’m sensitive to that topic.”
- “I’m very hurt, but I’d like to talk about yesterday’s arguments. Can we meet up today?”
- “I’m willing to work things out, but last night I felt very hurt by your words. I’d like to talk about it.”
- “Today’s argument was the worst we’ve ever had. I felt very hurt by your words. Let’s please never talk to each other like that again.”
- “I know you’re not insensitive towards my feelings, but today I felt hurt by something you said. I’d like to clear things up so that this doesn’t happen again. Can we talk?”
- “I felt very hurt and disrespected by what you said today.”
Conclusion: How do you tell a man that he has hurt you?
Telling him he hurt you is indeed no easy task to accomplish. However, once you understand the very basics of open communication, you’ll manage to set your message clear and honest! You want something real and honest. You want to avoid accusations and build a hostile place for each other. Instead of hurting him back, talk to him and let him know how his behavior affected you. Remember,
Take time to calm down and think things through;Keep it genuine by avoiding manipulation and accusations;Explain clearly what hurt you, why, and what you both can do about it;Keep your expectations realistic.
It’s no easy way, but you’ve got this! Love, Callisto
