In most break-ups, what we seek is a sense of closure. Let’s admit it, the modern man or woman is well aware that relationships are not fairytales, much as we would like them to be. In this day and age, the pressures and stresses of daily life can take a toll on the best of love stories in myriad ways but what is expected is a proper, dignified end where you say your goodbyes and then look at what’s left behind before accepting the new realities.
What Is Closure In A Relationship?
When you know for sure that something you cherished has well and truly ended and there is a certain reason for it, you feel a strange inexplicable sense of relief. It then propels you to take the next steps. That is, either you can accept the split and plan a future without your beau or you can think of ways to redress the problem and set it right. Perhaps you might even be successful in rekindling the lost love. Sometimes, these answers, if you get them, might be very painful for your ego. However, not being aware of them is even worse for that’s when your soul gets stuck.
8 Ways To Heal And Move On Without Closure
It is very common to experience feelings of hurt, anger, confusion and self-pity when you do not get a logical ending to your questions. You might also be tempted to ask if you are that easy to dump that your man/woman left you without giving a proper explanation. You might have been treated badly and you didn’t even get a chance at getting back at them. The result: your self-image goes for a toss! So how to move on without closure? After all, you have to because that’s the only way to be. Life has to go on and you deserve every second shot at happiness. If you get the answers you are seeking about the end of your love, great. But if you constantly worry about how do you move on when you have no closure, here are some ways to go about it…
1. Don’t sound weepy or needy
Agreed, you maybe restless, your mind might be racing, you probably can’t eat or sleep as you go about your days and nights seeking closure. So firstly, if the object of your affection has left you without so much as a by-your-leave, you have all the right to demand an explanation. Try and get your ex to talk about it. Assure that you won’t create drama, will accept the answers he or she provides you with and won’t insist on getting back together (often these are the reasons cited by people for pulling the plug on a relationship suddenly). But for heaven’s sake don’t push it beyond a limit. Do not bombard him or her with texts and weepy chats. Getting closure from an ex who won’t talk to you, can be a humiliating experience. “Always keep your pride, do not beg for attention. It will make you look pathetic,” advises Dr. V Nair, counselor at Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences.
2. Stop procrastinating, keep yourself busy
He or she might have been your plan A. But if you are wondering how to move on without closure, switch to plan B. And that does not mean hitting Tinder and Bumble like there is no tomorrow to prove you have a life better than his or hers. Focus on everything else except romance. You wanted to learn the piano? Now is the time to stop procrastinating. Enroll in a singles club or any other meet up group. In other words, do everything to keep busy and not let your mind waver to the conflict. Sometimes, the way how to move on without a closure is to shut the chapter in your mind and divert your energies to something else. Why waste energy in trying to put a lid on an unfinished relationship? The more you feed your demons, the more they come to bite you.
3. Create new memories in old places
Often when relationships end badly leaving one person shortchanged, the thing that hurts the most are memories. Take some time to get over the shock and if the lack of closure still bothers you, face your fears bravely… by reliving and then replacing those memories. “Changing memories is a powerful experience for those who are wondering how do you move on when you have no closure. Look at each experience in the eye and replace them with better ones so that your memory is gradually changed,” says Dr. Nair. This way, you are not suppressing your hurt emotions, instead you are acknowledging and addressing them. Go to your favourite restaurant or book store or theatre with someone new and create a new experience for that place. Weaken the previous associated memories and replace them with new ones.
4. Get your dose of self-love
Being dumped unceremoniously can be terrible for your self-esteem. Give yourself time to heal. You need to be a in a good space to come to terms with what just happened. Of course, the crying-on-the-pillow scenes and constant pondering will go on for a while, let them. Do not give yourself any timeline to heal. But definitely give yourself time to practise self-love. And that does not just mean bubble baths, shopping trips or going on a drinking binge with your pals. Stop looking for closure in the wrong places, you won’t get it. Instead, practise self-love in a way that you accept what has happened. The closure conversation after a breakup that you would generally expect from your lover is not coming so why beat yourself over it? Take care of your mental and physical health first.
5. Do not be too harsh on yourself
When you wonder how to move on without closure, a normal tendency is to take the blame for the breakup on yourself. The devil in your mind might say it was your fault that you were at the receiving end. Put a stop to those thoughts or they keep coming back in a loop. But hold off because you are being way too accommodating with a person who clearly doesn’t give you respect. Know what you are worth. Whatever may have been your flaws in the relationship, you deserve a proper end in a civilized manner. When you take the blame, you are leaving out any room for negotiation or reconciliation because your partner would be only be too happy to wash off that guilt.
6. Hearing a ‘Sorry’ won’t change things
“I only wish my partner apologized, I can move on” is the teary eyed response of many a lover who is seeking closure to the pain in their hearts. Well, you ideally do not need a ‘sorry’, you need proper answers which aren’t coming from your ex. Learn how to move on without an apology… either from them or from your side. “Expecting an apology when there is lack of closure is essentially to assuage your hurt ego. It does not change the reality that you have been left behind. Don’t expect your partner to apologise, focus on yourself,” says Dr. Nair. Forgiveness is tough, it’s even tougher to forgive a person who does not say sorry to you. But that’s exactly what you will need to learn to do. When you learn to move on without an apology, you feel truly liberated. Also, liberate yourself of the feeling of any guilt. Don’t feel sorry for yourself too!
7. Learn to break the pattern of thoughts
One of the ways you have take control of the situation is by not letting others validate how you feel about yourself. Do not look at yourself from your ex’s eyes in the process of seeking closure. Sitting around mulling what happened, what could have happened, etc is pointless. Think about what went wrong for sure, but with a different purpose – to not let it repeat in the future. If you are tooth combing every aspect of your relationship, reflect objectively on things that could have changed. It’s okay to make new beginnings. And one way to start afresh is to put yourself in the dating scene for a distraction after you have healed a bit. You may have been seeking closure and not got it but let that not prevent you from at least having fun. Don’t get into a serious relationship immediately though. It could be a rebound you wouldn’t want.
8. Learn to write your own recovery story
One of the ways to move on without a closure is to accept your flaws and your wounds. Life isn’t perfect and sometimes, you do end up getting the raw end of the deal. But just because your partner didn’t love you doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. Instead of constantly mourning your loss and thinking how to move on without closure, try and become a stronger person. The end of your relationship might have led to sniggers and raised eyebrows from those around you but don’t let those thoughts consume your mind. When you feel positive, you find the courage to write your own story. Make it bigger than the breakup you have had. Let go of the need to being seen as someone constantly seeking closure for that will prevent you from leading the wonderful life that lies ahead. Moving forward when you have not had the right ending can seem tough. But guess what? It’s never too late to make new beginnings. Once a door shuts, walk into a new one. You may not know why the door behind shut but at least you can look forward to unlocking blessings that you would be unnecessarily stopping otherwise because you are too busy knocking on closed doors
