As a counselor, I have observed that during such phases of marriage, when the connection with spouse or boyfriend is at its lowest, you are most likely to be vulnerable and get attracted to another ‘potential mate’. It is quite common to be married and have a crush if your needs are not being met in your marriage. This can happen if you have an inattentive spouse or if you happen to be a die-hard romantic and fall easily in love with people.
Having A Crush While In A Relationship
Asha, a happily married working woman was quite distressed as she felt she was being disloyal to her spouse. Asha was friendly with all her colleagues but she was quite friendly with a male colleague. He often ‘flirted’ with her over computer chats and complimented her. He was lavishing her with all the attention that her spouse did not. She had started looking forward to meeting this person in the office, paying more attention to her looks, looking for opportunities to talk to him or have office group lunches etc. Asha was very clear that she was very committed to her marriage and that they were planning to have a child soon, so she was in a dilemma on how she could have feelings for another man while married. It was confusing for her that she cared for her spouse yet felt attracted to another man. She was afraid that it either meant her marriage was in trouble or that she on the verge of a potential affair with her colleague. Asha seemed quite distressed and felt she had encouraged this other man to think something could happen between them.
Is it ok to have a crush while married?
As human beings, we all crave to be liked, appreciated, given attention to and made to feel special. When you are made to feel ‘good’ about yourself, it is but natural to view the person positively and start having feelings toward them. Simran, though married with a child would daily chat with her cousin. She would often go and visit her cousin’s house and spend hours with him and his family. In this scenario, this would create friction between Simran and her spouse. Simran felt she was being unnecessarily blamed even though it was an innocent relationship. Simran was clearly in denial about the situation. So a ‘crush’ or attraction to another person can ‘interfere’ in one’s marriage if it not dealt with in a mature manner. Another client, Sonali, felt ‘bereft’ of her husband’s attention and felt that this may push her to have ‘flings’.
7 Ways to Deal With Having a Crush When Married
In such situations, people do feel guilty about the feelings they’re experiencing. They feel they are emotionally cheating on their spouses. If you are in such a similar situation, I would recommend the following solutions on how to deal with having a crush when married:
1. Married and have a crush? Discuss how to improve your marriage
I would strongly advise that your talk to your spouse about certain changes you would like in your marriage. For example, going on dates or planning a weekend trip, joining a hobby or dance class together can be a great way to bring the fun back into your marriage. If your husband is reticent about changes or genuinely has time constraints, then to try to set up some ‘couple rituals’ like having tea or dinner together or going for after-dinner walks or simply going for ‘coffee dates’ or car drives together.
2. Acknowledge that you have feelings for another man while married
It is important to acknowledge that you have ‘crush’. Like any other form of human connection, crushes die out over time if you don’t attend to them actively. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward taking corrective measures. By staying denial about your feelings for another man while married, you risk gravitating toward a potential affair.
3. Set boundaries if you’re falling for someone else when in a relationship
If you’re falling for someone else when in a relationship, distance can be the best antidote to these feelings. Don’t spend too much time with the person you have a crush on. Draw boundaries for yourself, maintain distance and limit your interactions with this person to a minimal.Familiarity can make your feelings grow stronger, and sending out mixed signals can lead the other person to believe you’re interested. You must steer clear of these if want to learn how to deal with having a crush when married and nip it in the bud.
4. Think of the pros and cons of having a crush when married
If you are committed to your marriage, write down the pros and cons of potentially messing up your marriage in any way. Reflect over what you stand to lose if you act of these feelings. And if this person you’re attracted to is worth jeopardizing the life you’ve built for yourself? The answer to these questions will put things in perspective.
5. Have a crush when married? Don’t cross the line
If you value your spouse and your relationship with them, do not cross the line even if you have an all-consuming crush when married. Although you cannot control your chemistry with someone, you can definitely be in control of your actions. Crossing the line can mean different things to different people. As a rule of thumb, if you’re doing something with this other person that you can’t tell your partner about, don’t do it. Even if it feels innocent, on some level you know you’re crossing a line.
6. Do not keep your crush a secret
Want to know how to deal with having a crush when married? One of the basic rules of handling this situation is to not keep it a secret from your spouse. It is natural for you to feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed of these feelings. You may even find yourself obsessing over ‘is it OK to have a crush while married?’ As awkward as that conservation may play out to be, you must confide in your partner. This transparency can give trust in your relationship with a new lease of life.
7. Treat the crush as a wake-up call
Consider having a crush while in a relationship as a ‘wake-up call’ to start being attentive to your marriage. Being attracted to someone else while being in a committed relationship is what psychologists describe as ‘attention to alternatives’. If you’re married and have a crush on another person, it’s a sign that something between you and your spouse is not working out. Take cognizance of this fact and be committed to doing the necessary work to improve your relationship. Is it ok to have a crush while married? There is no clear-cut answer to this question. While some people may view a crush when married as harmless, others may consider it an act of infidelity. However, as long as you don’t act on those feelings and use this occurrence to strengthen your marriage, there is no real cause for concern. Hopefully, you soon will have a ‘crush’ on your life partner again. Cannot make sense of falling for someone else when in a relationship? Talking to a professional counselor can help.
